happy new year.

I’ve been so terrible at this blogging business, which makes me sad because there is so much I want to share, I just haven’t taken the time to sit down and write about it. Since I’ve last written on here I’ve bought my plane ticket to Uganda (I leave February 16), gotten most of my shots (Hep A, tetanus, polio, and malaria pills), procured my visa for the first three months in Uganda, and in general just been rolling a ball that will continue getting bigger and bigger until I leave in February. I’m currently in Chile, visiting my family here over Christmas and having a really corking time. I’m grateful to be able to come down here, I love it here. The sights, the sounds, the smells, the people, and the general atmosphere here is something I always miss when I leave. It’s a different world, but in many ways it’s not much different from anywhere else.

If I tried to convey the emotions I’ve felt and experiences I’ve had as I draw closer to leaving for Uganda, it would take a long time, and I wouldn’t be able to do them justice. Suffice it to say, much has happened, both around me and in my head. God has been working sweet things in me, some difficult, some wonderful to experience. He’s given me a huge heart for the homeless and the oppressed especially in Phoenix, and it’s been a huge blessing to be able to team up with other believers who also feel strongly about those things and to serve God in that way, by loving His people. It’s something I should always be doing, so the fact that I don’t follow God and I’m not more obedient in those areas is sometimes discouraging. Fortunately we serve a God who doesn’t hold sin over our heads, but redeems us, shows us mercy and unconditional love like we’ll never experience from any other source. And that is cause for constant celebration.

There have been times when I wondered if going to Africa was in any way a rebellion on my part, or a desire to escape from something, or anything that was contrary to God. I knew I talked about helping people, and especially helping people who are SUPER poor or discouraged or helpless… but how much did I think about helping someone across the street, or in my own city? People had previously asked me why I hadn’t ever considered doing a ministry within the city, why I felt I needed or really wanted to do ministry out of the country. I don’t know that I ever had a straight answer for that. But in the past year God has hugely grown my heart, and I feel I’ve obeyed certain things He’s asked me to do or put on my heart, one of which being an impromptu homeless ministry downtown myself and a few dear friends were able to be a part of. After being able to become part of a new church this last year, and doing this homeless ministry, and really feeling God move in different areas at my work, I can say that I am not running away from anything, or saying that ministry in Phoenix or in the US isn’t valid or important. The only difference is, where has God placed you? Where has He called you? And I don’t think He comes with a big neon sign, and I don’t think He always makes things super obvious. He works differently in every situation and in every person. There’s something Shane Claiborne quotes that says, “Find out where God is already at work, and get involved.” Or something to that effect. Sometimes something will just tug at your heart or you will see a ministry or a person that really calls to you, and for goodness sakes, join it! I’m completely on board with that.

All this to say, I feel God has more work for me to do, and more growth for me which He is going to do in Uganda for the next year, and I am so excited to see what that’s going to be like. I know it’ll come with its sorrows and hardships and discouragement and frustrations, as well as with its joys and growth and sweet experiences. But like Paul says, he has learned to live in all circumstances, because we can do all things through Him who gives us strength. Knowing all I do about the Lord, seeing what He’s done in me and through me (though I’ll never know why He chooses to use me, or any of us), and having Him confirm His character to me over and over and over, it only seems logical, it only seems natural to give Him everything, to follow Him anywhere.

Please pray for me as I prepare to leave. I would be so grateful for your petitions on my behalf, and feel so incredibly blessed with all the solid believers God has placed around me. Those of you who live in Phoenix and who I see frequently, I am going to miss having you be such a frequent part of my life and will miss all of your beautiful selves and the dynamic of our relationships here. However, I am not going to the Internet-free jungle zone, I will definitely be within electronic reach, so please do not hesitate to keep in touch with me, if you know me I GREATLY appreciate and feel encouraged by any emails, notes, facebook messages, phone calls, and hey, even visits to my neck of the woods! Don’t be shy! I love you all, to anyone who is reading, I hope your 2010 is very blessed.

beauty.

there are certain things that God can always get my attention with. one of those is the sky. I am absolutely enchanted and mesmerized by anything having to do with it. if you know me at all, you know that is an understatement. sunsets, clouds, the moon, storms... it all reminds me so much of His majesty, presence, and beauty.

the past week has been the kicker with the sky and all related weather. it's just been so incredible and joyful this week, God has filled me so much with who He is and has been constantly reminding me that He is sufficient, and not only that, He chooses to let us experience such amazing things they defy adequate description. on Monday I walked out of Starbucks only to see that it had sporadically started raining, so of course I went out and danced in it. how can I not?! :) and then I decided I wanted to get closer to the storm so I drove out about 20 miles to Tolleson, found an empty dark field, watched the lightning and stood in the rain. it was phenomenal. the rest of the week I just got to have other sweet experiences with the weather and sky.

thursday was another banner evening. the sunset as I drove home from meeting with a friend was glorious, deep orange and pink and the storm was starting to come in so that just made everything more beautiful. I took a drive out by Lake Pleasant that night, it's nice and dark out there and the lightning started while I was out there, which was so amazing to witness. later that night it began pouring and storming intensely, and I couldn't stand to be inside. I took a barefoot walk and got soaked, laid out in a grass field and got to watch the show our Creator was putting on. I can't even describe to you how beautiful that was.

yesterday, Danielle and I took a trip up to Williams and from there, took the Grand Canyon Railway to the well... Grand Canyon. we got a rainstorm on the way up there, and at the Canyon, not only did we experience the majesty that is the Canyon itself, it also got completely overcast while we were still there. Danielle and I watched the entire canyon darken and these deep majestic clouds roll in. I think we were just as enthralled by those clouds than by the actual Canyon :) right before we left, it began storming, so we got light wind and rain and plenty of thunder. words really begin to sound insufficient when describing all of these wonders. suffice it to say, I experience God's beauty in creation in abundance this week, and it has served to remind me once again that He is the author of everything I see, and is more than worthy all our praise and devotion.

God can't direct the steps you're not taking.

I wrote this in July and never finished; gonna post it anyway. This was dated July 13.

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crazy, crazy times, man.

you know it's intense when you can't quite find the words to describe what's going on. here goes.

the title of the blog came from a conversation I had with a coworker today. he basically discouraged me from sitting around "waiting for God to do something" when it comes to missions and Africa and encouraged me to take action, to look into opportunities, to run at this full force. what he said really made me think, and I have spent a lot of tonight looking at different websites for orphanages and whatnot.

I feel very uplifted and pumped up to once again look into different places and just get excited about missions again. my heart longs for it, and I truly believe God has placed that desire and passion on my heart.

of homelessness and hope. of chaos and joy.

I just feel like I'm at a point in my life where there are no adequate words to describe what is happening around me, to convey what has been going on inside of me. So I will attempt to do that today, but be warned, I feel it will be a ludicrously insufficient description.

I still feel in a bit of a limbo between two continents, two frames of mind, two purposes in life. I still love Africa and missions desperately, and want to invest more of my life and time there... soon. I am waiting on some more info right now for a possible trip back there. But in the meantime, God is doing amazing things in me and around me here, and I want to make sure I don't miss out on that. I want to live fully here in this moment. I absolutely believe it's okay to look forward to things and be excited about them. But I don't want to live always for the next thing, and miss out on what's happening right now. God has things to teach me and show me and use me in, in the present.

I'll try to summarize what's been going on in my life lately. It mostly centers on church, because it's something that's been a source of conflict and confusion and frustration lately. Basically since I've gotten back from Namibia in November I have struggled with the church I go to, CCV, and just the American mindset/lifestyle in general. I could talk about this for a long time. (I'd encourage you to read a post I wrote in Namibia called "Tiptoeing Towards Death" - scroll down the page.) If you have talked to me in the last 6 months, you know what I mean. I just felt so frustrated at how people were living, how extravagant and wasteful and unappreciative people seemed to be. Among other things. I got back to CCV and was kind of like, "What am I doing here? This feels weird, and it used to not be like this." But I left almost immediately for Chile so I didn't get time here to process things before leaving again.

When I got back from Chile I still felt like I was overwhelmed by the culture and mentality of things here, and I especially felt odd at church and couldn't fully explain why. I would feel on and off about things. Some weeks I went to church or to volunteer at junior high and would feel fine. Other times I couldn't even walk inside of the building, and really had little words to try to explain why. At one point maybe 5 or 6 weeks ago it got intense enough that I left junior high early one night and just needed to take a break. It was just too hard to be there, I felt so out of place. A lot of this barely makes sense in my head, so hopefully you can get some sense of where I'm coming from. I decided to take a break from going to church at all so I could wrestle with all of this and come to some sort of a conclusion.

About a week later, I was at Starbucks (shocking, I know) talking to a few friends about my struggle with church and all that had been going on with me. While talking to them, a woman who was sitting with her husband in the next table over interrupted us and asked if we were having a Bible study. We started talking and she ended up telling us about her church -- how much she loved it, how close their community was, how they did outreach and wanted to take Jesus out into the world instead of expecting people to come to church to hear about Him. Everything she said sounded a lot like what I was looking for, including the fact that it was small, which I knew was a direction I wanted to head in.

Well, Amber (the woman from Starbucks) was so nice and encouraging and friendly that I decided, why not check it out. So 2 weekends ago I went to their church. It's called Life Connection and it's on I-17 and Indian School (it's not as far as it sounds). Well, I really loved it. The people were very genuine and real. I loved what the pastor had to say and just got a very good vibe (I hesitate saying vibe but that's the best way to describe it). The pastor had a sweet mix of humor, sound doctrine, and was just very REAL... I know I keep using that word, but I just feel it's the easiest way to say it. So, I went back again last weekend, and it was even better, and I got to meet a few new people, really awesome people. That day some guys got up and announced that on Saturday (today) they were going to meet and take food and water to homeless people in the city. It was just so cool when they said that, because the kind of church I'm looking for would do those kinds of things all the time. So I got really excited about that!

That was what happened today. It was just one of those incredible experiences that while you're doing it, it doesn't impact you quite as much as when you look back on it and try to begin to grasp what just happened. I met up at the church with a group of like 15 people, most of whom I'd never met. I love now that I completely did something out of character for me, and delved into something that I didn't know much about. I only felt compelled to do this, and passionate about it as well. So I met a whole host of new and sweet people today and I am really pumped about that. God is very good. So what we were originally supposed to do was go down to this park by North Mountain and hand out food there. Well, we went there, only every homeless person there seemed to already have food. Which is amazing, I'm so glad they would have eaten anyway today, but we were thinking, what now?! And I think this is where having a small group came in handy. We really wanted to be able to give out all the food we had (about 50 sandwiches, fruit, and water). And it's like, if we drive around enough, we'll definitely find people who need food. For crying out loud. I really enjoyed it because that's exactly what this group wanted to do - just drive until we found people. Sweet.

So we ended up going downtown (like 15th Ave & Jefferson-ish) and parking in a random neighborhood, and just started giving out food. We had a lot of people come and find us. Some we sought out. Some came, got their food, and left, but some stayed around and talked. We then migrated about a mile away and hung out by a community center/shelter and there were just dozens of people who needed food. And they were so grateful. It was really cool to just be a part of that, a part of bringing hope and love and compassion to this area that seems to be so neglected. Almost everyone was very kind and thankful for the food and, also, I think to have people that were willing to engage with them.

There is something extremely powerful in purposely connecting and spending time with people who are outcasted, forgotten, and avoided by society in general. If you want to have an experience with God and His people, go out and find someone who fits into that category in some way and spend some time investing in them. I think you'll be amazed at what happens. They're usually incredibly interesting and have sweet stories to tell... and when you are genuine about your concern and care for them, it's apparent to them and just is such a simple way of reaffirming God's love for them.

We walked around for a bit after we'd run out of food, which I'm glad about. We found an old abandoned building with these plaques on the side of it. They were focused on having hope even though it feels like this place has no trace of God or goodness in it. One posterboard asked people to write their prayer requests so they could be prayed for. It was filled up, with people asking for help with finding a job, overcoming an alcohol addiction, or having family problems. You name it. We also heard singing at some point and could not figure out where it was coming from. We ended up following the voice and it led us to this tiny church building. We could hear the singing and preaching from the street because there was a megaphone attached to the outside of the building. So we walked inside, about 10 of us white folks (mostly younger girls), to a room full of black people who were praising God with everything they had. There was just a drum and a lady speaking, but she was filled with the Spirit in a way that's very difficult to describe, and that leaves you in awe.

I think we forget to be passionate. About God, about the gospel, about our interactions with each other, just about life in general. We have these very specific routines and ways of doing things and we've done them for so long, we forget anything else was ever part of our lives. And there can be good in routine and in getting used to some things -- but not when our lives become stagnant, and we've overstayed our welcome at a place that God is done using us at. This is what I felt has been going on in my life lately. I felt stale, like I wasn't being used, and at times, not willing to be used. But now that I've been going to this new church and just meeting all kinds of new people and exposing myself to new things... different things... I feel re-energized and I am so ready to see what is next and what crazy things God is going to do.

The experience today was much needed and I am so in awe of God orchestrating something like this. He's such a great and powerful and gracious God. I wish I could convey to you the joy I felt driving back home after my experience today. I wish I could impart a small part of the peace I felt, of the passion inside of me. These words have been lacking. But if you walk away with one thing, let it be a joy in knowing that He is praiseworthy, sufficient, sovereign, and utterly worthy of our continuous devotion to Him and the people He loves and died for.

.

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

-C.S. Lewis

Love. Faith. Trust. Courage.

These are all risks, walking out into something unknown and trusting something, Someone, is going to be there to catch us, to secure us, to love us. To affirm the fact that we fell, that we jumped, and it's okay, and we should do it again, because even though it was terrifying when we jumped, it was also a miracle that we were caught. And it makes you fall in love with your Rescuer all over again, every time.

If you never use your heart, who cares if it's broken or not? What is the use of having feelings or making choices or picking one road over another when if it comes down to it, you are never going to take a risk, you're just going to stay in your safety zone forever? Over the past 2 years God has taught me a lot about trust. He's taught me that when I had in mind isn't what He had in mind. No, His plans are always bigger, and better, and more bold. They may seem crazy to some but to me it's just another confirmation that I'm in His loving arms, being led in the directions He wants to lead me. The safest place in the world I can be is where God wants me. Doing whatever work He has sent me to do.

I've been wanting to write this post for a while. For some reason I always run out of time or get distracted doing something else. But so much has happened in my life! I got back from Namibia, spent less than 2 weeks at home, and then went to Chile for 5 weeks to see my family. That was really great. Beautiful places. Since I've been back in Phoenix, I've been substitute teaching in the Peoria District. Jobs have been rare at best; a very unstable and unpredictable job. I've been looking for a full time job and praise God, I've finally got one. I'll be working at North Phoenix Baptist Church in their preschool. I'm excited to finally have something steady! The ladies there are REALLY nice.

God has continued to put Africa on my heart and mind since Christmas. It is where I feel I will ultimately end up. I don't know in what way exactly, or where I'll be, what I'll be doing, or anything. But I really feel that is where God is going to take me back. I feel inexplicably drawn there: to the land, to the people, to the culture. Please pray for me, that I would be patient, that I would let God lead, but also balance that with taking risks and stepping out in faith, knowing that God is there no matter what. There are a lot of opportunities to go back; I don't know how or when it'll happen. I love Him, and I know He has great plans for me.